Captain Funktion vs. the Brainwashed Hubron Elbards


The latest in electro-dub and nu-funk; a cross country blend of NYC and Texas.

O.M.N.I. Presents: Episode 16 of the O.M.N.I. Saga


Oreh Elam ran up to the sand dune and crouched down, breathing hard. Laser blasts were coming from all over, and the beach was hot. Captain Funktion landed next to her with a thud. A body fell and almost hit Oreh, but she leaned into the Captain, grabbed ahold of the fallen soldier and used him as a shield. She heard their Major yelling orders from somewhere, but in all the commotion it was hard to tell what he was saying. Something about heading left to flank. “Flank what?” she thought as she tried to get back to her feet.

She couldn’t quite remember where she was or what she was supposed to be doing. She started to rise to a standing position and was looking around when she suddenly had her legs kicked out from under her. Lying down with her face full of sand, she quickly tried to roll over, sputtering sand and wiping her face. Laser bursts and bodies were flying everywhere as she realized she was thrown to the ground by Captain Funktion, who went to crouch down behind the sand dune and was suddenly hit by laser fire. As the Captain hit the ground, the helmet smashed against the coarse sand and exposed a stunning woman’s face. Oreh turned, shocked, horrified, and suddenly woke up.

Sweat poured off her as she shot up in bed. “This has to stop,” she thought. She rubbed her eyes and put a hand through her sandy blond hair. “The Captain was a woman,” she thought. She had dark brown hair, her blue eyes dead, but still shimmering. She shook her head, exhaled sharply and sat back slightly. “These BEACH DREAMS (03:35) have got to stop.”

She swung her strong legs over the side of the bed and felt the cool, flat comfort of the base floor. She had been having these dreams almost every night for a couple of weeks; they were always the same. It felt good for her bare feet to touch the concrete and remind her she was still on base and not on a beach of some unknown planet. Just as she started to relax, the blaring alarm siren sounded. Sharp tones and a voice over the intercom, “ATTACK IN SECTOR 013014!” (04:26)

Oreh jumped into action, grabbed her flight suit from the closet, and headed for the door. As she pulled on her boots, she touched the interface screen in the entryway of her room. The computer voice in a calm tone as always said, ”Report to DOCKING STATION KB53 (03:22).

She saw commotion everywhere as she jogged down the long, grey hallways of the base, full of soldiers running to their ships. The chaos of the base jumping into defense mode should not have seemed overwhelming to Oreh. After all, there were almost daily drills for those so close to the front, and yet she was having trouble remaining calm.

“I’ve got to focus. Breathe!” she thought as she headed for the ship. She turned down a hall and suddenly fell, hitting the ground hard, startled and confused. As her eyes adjusted, she saw that she was in a cave. A creature looking much like a small rodent was in front of her, digging at the dirt on the floor. She started to crawl towards it, but it scampered away. As it did, Oreh saw a pool of shallow water just beyond where the creature had been. The pool of water shimmered, and an image appeared. The words describing the image came to her lips before she knew what it was. “SOLAR PLASMA BLASTER,” (03:13) she said slowly.

Still confused, she reached for the weapon, but the image dissolved into a planet. She felt as if she knew the planet’s name, but it escaped her. Lost, it seemed, deep in her memory. The image quickly dissolved into a man’s face; Andar’s face. She knew for certain she had never seen him, and her eyes narrowed as she tried to figure out what this man’s face was supposed to mean to her. She couldn’t complete the thought. She came to on the floor of the hallway. Had she fainted? She wasn’t sure. There was a tug on her arm, and she suddenly was dragged to her feet. Captain Funktion, who yanked
her up from the floor, hollered, “We have to get to the ship! The Elbards are attacking the base because of the TARIFF BATTLE ON PESCA CARNE COMMERCIA(04:51)!”

Oreh looked in disbelief at the Captain as she remembered the beach was only a dream. She shouldn’t be surprised that Captain Funktion would be standing alive in front of her. Without thinking, Oreh reached her hand towards the helmet but found it grabbed quickly by Funktion and held in the air. “I’m sorry, Captain. You’re right. Let’s get to the ship!” The Captain’s eyes stared at Oreh from behind the one way mirror of the helmets face sheild, but not for long. Soon they were racing down the hall amidst the people and blaring alarm.

Once on the ship, Funktion told Oreh to man the Bezel Hecktor Device. The BHD (03:28) is a targeting tool that helps its user identify beings who are brainwashed from the Dark Currents. An exceptional tool when in battle with a brainwashed society. Large concentrations of brainwashed readings emanating from a ship make it easier to target. “I am about to enter into battle,” said Funktion into the ship’s log. “Title this log entry as CAPTAIN FUNKTION VERSUS THE BRAINWASHED HUBRON ELBARDS (04:00).”

From the back of the cockpit at the BHD, Oreh mulled over this most recent development. “I can’t believe how fast the Hubron Elbards have turned!” she said. “It seems to be faster and faster that a group will be swept up by The Currents. I feel like it used to take years, then months. Now a whole society will succumb in a matter of weeks,” the Captain commented from the helm.

As they approached the enemy, Oreh focused the tracking on a nearby ship, which gave benign readings. Clad in a BLACK SPACE SUIT (03:31), Captain DeNoc stood on the bridge of his large vessel and knew he was being analyzed. It was only protocol. His copilot was already telling him he had confirmation that the adjacent ship carried Captain Funktion and crew.

“No anomalies to report, sir.”

“Very well,” said DeNoc with an air of calm superiority. “Bring us into formation, Ensign.”

“Yessir. Sir, combatants approaching,” reported Ops with the flat tone and manner that extensive training allows. “They are ELITE SOLDIERS OF THE BERDAN ARMY (03:22), and they don’t rattle easily.”

“Comm,” DeNoc barked.

“Channel open. Go ahead, sir.”

“Splendid pleasure of you scamps to join us today!” DeNoc bellowed.

In the other ship Funktion and Oreh were not amused. They were accustomed to this treatment though, having been independent soldiers for a while now. The Burdans are professional and have been a society at the very foundation of the resistance. Not having a history of being militaristic, their empire expanded with good trade practices, fairness, and a welcoming joviality. Once the Mind Wars started though, they quickly established intense military academies, tough enough to produce the best soldiers. DeNoc and his crew were the elite. The best of the best!

“Are we going with the Stensen Counter Attack?” Funktion asked, and then through gritted teeth, “Sir.”

“Precisely!” DeNoc smiled as he said this, much the way a professor would be pleased by a student choosing the correct answer. Despite being in many battles together and all the time the two Captains have known each other, DeNoc insists on Funktion calling him sir and being subservient. Funktion let it go, begrudgingly, mostly due to the fact that the Burdans are an army with rank and discipline. Captain Funktion is also part of a lost culture and society. With no army or culture left, it would make sense to bow to the stronger authority, if just by words or custom. Funktion knows that DeNoc can cut loose. They have done so more than once after a hard earned victory.

Four more small craft enter formation, report, acknowledge the counterattack pattern, and proceed to engage the Elbards. The battle doesn’t last long. The Hubron Elbards are far outmatched, having only a small scouting party sent to test the defenses of the Maklaw Base. They did get lucky before their retreat and managed to destroy one of the small crafts from the formation. This frustrated DeNoc greatly, and he couldn’t help but show it as he yelled into the comm for the other ships to quickly fill the gap. Funktion, calling out for evasive maneuvers, successfully put them behind a particularly beefed up Elbards ship. Oreh signaled to fire on it, and the blast hit directly on their weapon energy storage containment. There was a fantastic implosion causing what remained of the attacking party to begin their retreat. DeNoc and company gave chase, but soon were far enough to be sure that Sector 013014 would be safe. They turned around to head back to Maklaw.

Back at the base, the heroes stood around the mess hall and talked of the days’ events. DeNoc was pleased with himself as he slapped Oreh’s back and complimented her and the crew’s good shooting. Captain Funktion was not as jubilant. “You know damn well as long as there are Tariffs on Pesca, they will be back. They will not stop. EVER!”

Oreh, not wanting any more battles for the day, spoke up. “A strange thing happened during the attack. Before we got to the ship…”

She was cut off by DeNoc. “Now, Captain, there is no reason not to celebrate our efforts. We gained a lot of new information on the day as well.” The Captain turned away slightly, and despite the face mask covering any expression, the other two knew exactly what was up. DeNoc sighed, looked toward Oreh, and made a small shrug.

“So as I was saying...,” Oreh let out slowly, her head facing DeNoc with her eyes still fixed on the Captain, “I fell unconscious on my way to the ship.”

This had DeNoc’s attention, and his eyes bounced back and forth to Oreh and the Captain as Funktion turned around. “Was that what that was?” asked the Captain. “When I found you, it looked like you had dropped something on the floor, but, I don’t know, just out of reach? You were on your hands and knees.”

Oreh stared at Funktion blankly. “I thought I was dreaming. I definitely saw something...” she trailed off.

“A vision!?” cried DeNoc, looking completely out of character and clasping his hands together in a childlike, excited way. Oreh didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t be sure she even understood what he was talking about. The Captains hands were in the air, palms up. “What?”

“She must have been visited by counter psychedelic waves from JENET SAIS, THE ORACLE (03:54),” he said matter-of-factly. “It’s quite obvious. Well go on then, woman. What did she show you? Did she show you the future?”

The Captain waved a dismissive hand, turned again to face him, took a step closer and said, “Come on now, let’s not be silly. You don’t actually believe in all that stuff, do you? I wouldn’t pick you for someone who takes childish, silly fantasies to heart.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, you mysterious little…”

“Stop it!” said Oreh, getting between them.

That relaxed the room enough for Oreh to continue, “I had visions. I also keep having them in a dream where you get shot and killed in a battle.

She said this last part as she turned toward the Captain. DeNoc went from smiling to agitation as his face fell. “Now, don’t believe all that she sees is destined to happen!” he said quickly. “The future can be changed. Prophesy is not guaranteeing anything. It could be just a warning.”

This did not help Funktion. Shoulders gone limp and head down, Oreh reached out a hand of comfort but didn’t know where to put it. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. Then a little louder, “I saw a weapon I’ve never seen before, but I knew the name, ‘Solar Plasma Blaster. Then I saw a planet that turned into a man’s face.” She described the face a bit, but neither Funktion nor DeNoc could think of who it could be. Nor did they know the planet.

DeNoc was still trying to comfort Funktion. ”Remember the prophesy a few years back? About the Birthray Peace Treaty? It was foretold that it would last decades. Many people had the same or similar visions. Then look! It only lasted nine days! There were only 9 DAYS OF THE BIRTHRAY PEACE TREATY (4:41).”

Captain Funktion eased a little at this but was thinking more about the Solar Plasma Blaster. Even after Oreh described it, they could not think of its significance or purpose. Trying to interpret more from Oreh’s vision and failing, they decided there was nothing more to learn.

“Only time will answer these questions. We must be attentive though. The visions might be all the clues we have to what lies in our future,” said DeNoc.

To Be Continued...

Thank yous -

Zach would like to thank my bandmates Noah and Ben, Adina, my family, Robin, Tim, everyone who came in the studio and listened and to all my musical influences, too many to name.

Benjamin would like to thank Zach, Noah, Robin, all his family and extended family, Cat, the crew at Dabit, non-alcoholic Paul, everyone on the block, the Central ave Community Center, Timmy who brought wisdom from the shrine, Simon who's spirit is ever growing, Richie for voting yes on his nomination to be black and anyone else he missed who would most likely be covered in the term "extended family". namaste bitches.

Noah would like to thank God for music, for work, for good men, for purpose, for fun, for love, and for adventure. Thanks to mi hombres across the globe - the reflection of ones work is the reflection of one's life. My life is better for all of you. My darling wife; Zach, Ben - great jams guys. It's a pleasure making new, good music with you. To all the listeners and captivated fans of O.M.N.I. - stayed tuned for the next adventure of Captain Funktion!

Recorded at MobileMe Studios, San Antonio Texas and ChaiFi Studios, Queens, NY Mixed by Zach Spiezer at ChaiFi Studios Mastered by Robin Hood at ChaiFi Studios Produced by Zach Spiezer Label: Peterson Entertainment, Llc

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